The Holidays Aren’t Always Jolly: Navigating Grief, Relationships, and Stress
We’re often told the holidays are a time of joy, tradition, and connection, yet for many people this doesn’t reflect their lived experience. Instead, the season can bring pressure, painful reminders, grief, and complicated family dynamics. To support you during this time, we’re offering practical strategies, coping skills, reminders, and scripts you can use to support your emotional well-being throughout the holiday season.
What’s normal to feel (and why)
It’s normal for grief to feel louder during the holidays. Expectations about how “holiday joy” is supposed to look can clash with your emotional reality, intensifying feelings of sadness, irritability, loneliness, or guilt. Planning ahead, giving yourself permission to change traditions, and intentionally honoring your grief can help you stay present in the season while also being present with your loss. It’s also important to remember that grief is not limited to death alone—people grieve the loss of relationships, jobs, homes, traditions, and many other meaningful changes.
It’s also completely normal to feel conflicted in your relationships or experience increased tension with family members during the holidays. Gatherings often bring together different personalities, values, histories, and unmet expectations, all within a short and emotionally charged time frame. Old patterns can resurface, boundaries may feel harder to maintain, and proximity can amplify stress. Feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, or emotionally pulled in different directions doesn’t mean you’re failing at the holidays—it means you’re human, navigating complex relationships in a high-pressure season.
Strategies:
Planning & Communication: Reduce Surprises and Conflict
Plan ahead. Decide which events you’ll attend, which you’ll skip, and what role you’ll take (host, drop-in, attendee). Let important people know your plan so they can support rather than surprise you.
Set expectations. Tell hosts or family members what you need (e.g., “I may need to step outside for a break” or “Please don’t pressure me to talk about X”). Clear requests reduce misunderstandings. [1][3]
Design a back-up plan. Have an exit strategy (a friend to call, a quiet room, or transportation ready) if emotions become overwhelming. [4]
Boundaries, Rituals, and Repair
Use “I” statements when you need to set limits: “I’m going to leave early because I don’t have the energy for a long visit tonight.” Short, plain, and firm. [3]
Negotiate new traditions. If old rituals are too painful, create a new way to mark the season that feels manageable (lighting a candle, sharing a memory, making one special dish). Rituals can honor loss while creating space for present needs. [2][4]
When conflict arises, pause. If a conversation turns heated, try a time-out: “I need a minute. Can we come back to this later?” Pausing prevents escalation and gives everyone space to regulate. [3]
Coping Skills You Can Use in the Moment
Grounding exercises (5-4-3-2-1): name 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste — quick way to anchor in the present.
Breathing: try 4 seconds in, 6 seconds out (or any slow, rhythmic breathing) to down-regulate the nervous system.
Micro-rituals: carry a small object (a stone, photo) that reminds you you’re connected to your person — touch it when you need comfort.
Scheduled grief time: set 20–30 minutes in your day to intentionally remember and feel — this gives permission to grieve without letting it dominate the whole day. [2]
Self-care that Matters
Maintain sleep, nutrition, and movement. Routines stabilize mood and make it easier to tolerate emotions. [2]
Limit alcohol and substances. These can amplify sadness or lead to risky interactions with family. [7]
Ask for help. Let a friend or family member know when you’ll need support and what that support looks like (a check-in text, a ride home, someone to sit with you). [4]
Utilize Conversation Scripts
When declining an invite: “Thank you for inviting me — I’m going to sit this one out. I hope you have a lovely time.”
When you need a break during an event: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m going to take a short walk and will check back in later.”
When someone asks you to share and you can’t: “I appreciate you asking. Right now I’m not ready to talk about it, but I value that you asked.”
Using short, direct scripts reduces emotional labor and helps conserve energy.
Refer to this Checklist
Decide: attend / partially attend / skip.
Share your plan with one trusted person.
Pack a grounding tool (photo, stone, playlist).
Identify an exit strategy and a “safe person” to text.
Schedule a quiet “decompression” time after the event.
Final thoughts
Grief and relationship strain don’t follow a calendar. The holidays can amplify old wounds, but with planning, clear boundaries, and intentional self-care, you can create space for both sorrow and small moments of comfort. Be patient with yourself — there is no right way to grieve, only the way that supports your survival and healing.
Resources
American Psychological Association — Are you grieving this holiday season? Here are ways to cope. [APA guidance on planning, permission to change traditions, and support]. American Psychological Association
Centers for Disease Control & Prevention — How Right Now: Grief resources (practical tips: routine, honoring loved ones, seeking support). CDC
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) — Supporting Your Mental Health During the Holiday Season (planning, self-care, and stress management). SAMHSA
Mayo Clinic / Mayo Clinic Health System — Grief during the holidays: Finding hope (planning, backup plans, asking for help). Mayo Clinic Health System
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) — Surviving Painful Holiday Emotions (validation, common experiences, practical suggestions).
